Letting the redheadedness take over...

When does it stop?

2010-03-28T01:18:00.003-04:00

Today, for some unknown reason, I realized how incredibly immature I am. Not immature, as in giggling and involving in irresponsible behavior, but rather there is this step towards freedom that I just can't seem to take. (There is a lot too this, but its still an underdeveloped thought process)

I feel like I have a grown up mind, in a teenagers life. I think I'm trying to say that I'm just too old to be living the way I am.

It's definitely the holidays getting to me. The not working, and not in school during the break, that is messing with me. The being around family 24/7. The domestic-ness. The getting ready. The orders of what to be doing. The feeling like I'm a young kid again, with parents telling you what to do.

I almost want to go back to work and school. I feel like I have a purpose there. Being productive. I like that. I live for that. Not pushing around some dust, or potatoes for that matter. No wonder I'm not interested in being anyone's wife!

Ugh. Just writing this makes me annoyed.

Endless credit hours

2009-08-18T22:54:00.004-04:00

Laying in bed at night, my mind races about credit hours towards my degree in Business. I calculate and calculate estimating when I will transfer, when I can finish, and when I can actually get a real job that pays more than $15,000.

The process is so incredibly slow, although each semester passes quickly. Every new semester the college advisors hands me the sheet of paper with a list of all the required courses for my program of study. I go through and cross off what I've taken already--but it never seems shorter!

Will I ever finish this? Does anyone make it through college?

Although I love learning and getting away from my friends that are consumed by conversations of shidduch prospects, is it worthit to work full time, go to school full time, and try to have a life outside of school?

But I do hate the stagnation. Never moving up. Working jobs that I can't work at for longer than 10 months because I get bored out of my mind and overworked for meager pay. All the above is the reason that even though I may never get sleep or see people outside of work or school, I might actually get somewhere, someday. As my father says "you will have plenty of time to rest after you are 120 years!"

And that is why I am leaving my job in advertising sales, and starting a new job Monday, working at a school. I am overqualified for the job with my experience which is why they wanted me so badly. But hey--I get paid personal leave and sick days, salary and summers off.

Wish me luck...

The Pintele Yid

2009-08-06T00:58:00.003-04:00

While my summer consists of job searching, chaperoning, and lots of boring time I make sure to go to Melinda's classes at JCC on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. (Yes, my body is aching!)

I cannot believe I am writing about an exercise instructor, but she is worth the words. She is simply the most friendly, energetic and helpful stranger that I know. She comes in and is completely energetic and ready to move and make you move in a genuine way. During the course of the classes I have come to know her.

She is Jewish. She is dating a non Jew in law school. She is so excited that she teaches classes at the JCC because she has never met orthodox Jews in her life before. While discussing Jewish practices after an insanely intense class of TurboKick (youtube it to see what its like), one of the other people in the class comes over and joins in the discussion. My sister says to her "Is your name Chaya?"
She couldnt figure out how she knew her name. "Its written on your arm in hebrew. My name is also Chaya!"
The girl then went on to show us how proud she is of her Jewish name and all her tattoos in hebrew. She then pulls down her shirt to show me that she has Shema written across her chest. When I say Shema, I mean with Hashem's name and all. Not only that, but right across her chest.
The only thing I could think of was at least she is connecting with her Jewishness. There is a want. An interest. And that is all I think it takes. That is progress.
As I myself struggle with the complexness of being an Orthodox Jew, I remind myself that every little bit counts. Every little bit of identification with being Jewish is a step closer to Hashem.

My plan is to go into class tomorrow night with one of those "mylight" kits to give to Melinda, who is also identifying with her Yiddishe Neshomah.

Wedding season

2009-06-01T20:12:00.003-04:00

After Shavuos, I was handed a pile of mail. What kind of mail could I possibly get these days?

Wedding invitations of course. Not 1 or 2 but rather close to 5 just last week.

As I'm sure everyone knows, it's wedding season. There will never be a time in your life that you went to so many weddings as you did when you are a 20 year old BY graduate.

While I am tottaly a wedding crasher, and really make an effort to go to the girls in my grades wedding, there are certain things that always crack me up.

When I open the BY invitations, they all have monograms. It is like a little puzzle trying to figure out where the initials of the names fit into the picture.
The Chabad girls don't seem to be so into them (some do--not as much as BY).

ALL the BY invitations have little handwritten notes saying a little paragraph in hebrew about Yom Chupaso kYom Kippur and that they are truly sorry for anything they ever did to you.
Never ever seen this in a Chabad one.

For the actual wedding--
BY weddings, every single girl is wearing black. Apparently they have to look super Yeshivish because they might marry one of the Ner boys on the other side of the Mechitza.
Everyone dances in these little lame circles--the most exciting part apparently is the coordinated dances. A visual: Clap twice, shake your hands, twirl around, 1 step, 2 step, kick, jump--and whatever else they do.

At the chuppah, they give out tehillim, kallah tefillos cards. Apparently they are to daven for the Chosson and Kallah, but you know all the BY girls are shuckling to find their Zivug, ben torah, a shtarke learner, kollel boy (note:boy, not man) before the ripe old age of (gasp) 21 years old which is the time they will turn into old maids/spinsters/pumpkins.

The table conversation always goes the same.
Girl to me: "Woah, I haven't seen you since HS. What are you doing these days?"
They continue to tell you how they are in college--prob for PT, OT, Nurse, Sonography, or Special Ed. Those are the BY majors--cause they are flexible and can make money so their shtarke husbands can sit and learn torah all day (or whatever else they choose to occupy their time with)

2nd questions is: "So when are you getting married?"
I always say, depending on who it is "When I'm ready" or "When Prince Charming sweeps me off my feet". They are pretty much horrified that I am not doing my HISHTADLUS!! (Definitly a sign off off the derechness-right?)

So even though I hate the BY wedding system and I dread seeing certain girls, and ridiculousness yenta-like questions, I suck it up and go.

Hey, at least I am fulfilling a mitzva m'Sameach Choson V'Kallah!

These are my pre Wedding ramblings as I gear myself up for wedding season '09!

Freedom at last

2009-05-24T22:44:00.002-04:00

Since it is my first weekend off from school, I've decided to take the time to write in this thing.

But first I have to say some of the snippets from my conversations this week.

Me getting a manicure on Friday:
Manicurist lady to me: You have really nice teeth.
Me: Uhh---thanks, I guess.

Shabbos afternoon sitting on porch
My mother: oh gosh, where's the bike?
Me: the bike? what bike?
My mother: someone stole the bike
Me: oh gosh, that thing is $1500. For sure they tried to sell it on craigslist or something.
My mother abt the ppl who prob stole the bike: They are not smart enough to do that.

Monday handing in my 15 page research paper.
me: Ok, so here is my title page, outline, paper, work cited, annotative bibliography, and copy of 10 sources.
my teacher: Wow, this is amazing. You're such a hard worker. You deserve a 4.0. You will go very far in life.
(I'm expecting my grade to move from a B to an A because of this comment)

and the best story: I come home from work and I'm looking through the mail. There was a survey sent out by one of the people running for senate from Maryland.
It asked how you felt about healthcare and how the government should reform it. There was a bunch of boxes to check and I saw that my mom chose in red pen the box that said: The government should keep insurance privatized.
Next to it my mom wrote: The government can't run anything except for into the ground.
let's see if she sends that back in the mail.

BACK TO THE REGULAR PROGRAM (i'm very ADD):

Being that it's insanely beautiful (read: hot) outside I decided to go on a hike at this huge state park with my friend.

Really, I was already in pain from a pilates class I took (no I am not such a fitness enthusiast, but I'm bored these days) but I thought it'd be great to get out.

To make a long story short--we got lost. You'd think that we'd be smart enough to pick up a map but my friend convinced me she knew where she was going. We followed the red trail known as the logger's trail but it was going on forever and forever and did not look like it was taking us back to where we parked. So we decided to turn around and trek back. No accomplishment there. But it was so quiet in the woods. Peaceful. And we saw chipmunks--that were so little and cute. I forgot my camera in the car thats why there are none to post.

But this is going to be the story of my life. Long boring summer days. Baltimore filters out in the summer. All my friends are into science so they have fancy internships at the NIH, and in some research lab in Israel. So I listen to them talk about Orgo (which i have no clue what that is) and genetics, and all the other stuff science-like-people learn about.

I think I'll just relax even though I have no idea what that is.

(This post is for Sarah who says I never write. It's cause i suck at it.)

little neshomale

2009-03-15T03:19:00.003-04:00

My neshoma needed some boosting.

I sat on youtube for 2 hours just listening to Jewish music. I really needed it.

Sometimes music is so intense it makes you want to cry. It's inspiring. Could be I'm just weird.

Niggunim have this crazy intenseness. You feel so close to Hashem. Once again, could be I'm really weird. (It's also 3:30 am)

It also makes me want to wake up really early, daven, go for a really intense run and teach an amazingly inspiring lesson to my class.

We'll see if that happens.

As I listen to Lcha Dodi by six13, all I can think about is my time in Tzfat, on Rechov Ari with the most awesome people.

fascinating

2009-03-06T00:29:00.003-05:00

I am completely fascinated by two things I learned in Sociology class tonight.

The 1st thing is about Genie, the feral (wild) child. Completely fascinating. Google it. (Reminds me of an AMAZING book I read by Kristin Hannah called "Magic Hour")

The 2nd thing was G-d showing the world that He runs it and we cannot change it.

Read about this-->http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Reimer

Basically it was an experiment by scientists that went all wrong.

The idea of nurture over nature isn't 100% which shows how many sociological findings are neged Torah. If a Jew is brought up as Christian, I'm pretty sure their Neshomah is longing for that something that is missing. Rabbi (Manis) Friedman would have a field day with this.

I think I should start making an effort to learn Chassidus...

Rachmanim, Baishanim, Gomlei Chasadim?

2009-03-04T23:17:00.002-05:00

This made my blood boil. And not because of my redheadedness.

http://www.vosizneias.com/28401/2009/03/04/jerusalem-vaad-hatznius-offender-gets-plea-bargain-deal-after-apologizing-to-victim/

Social Expectations

2009-02-17T22:43:00.002-05:00

I'm finding blogging a tiny bit addictive. Really I have an essay due tomorrow night that I did not start. It never ends.

In speech class tonight, we talked about stereotyping, perceptions, and social expectations. As a subcategory there is cultural expectations. As soon as she said that, my mind went into Intrapersonal communication mode. Cultural expectations are a HUGE HUGE part of our lives (at least mine that is) being religious Jews that we are.

I immediately thought of all the times people have asked me about whether I'm looking for a shidduch, or felt they should express their opinions on going to college, or where I work, or what I should wear, or whether riding a bike is OK for a frum girl. The list goes on.

(break in post to tell you about the phone call I just received: A frum girl just read from a script about Shalom Torah schools, they educate children who dont know anything about yiddishkeit and wants to know if I want to donate $100 for a raffle ticket to win a free wedding, for 200 couples in LAKEWOOD IR HAKODESH! I told her no because I try to keep my Tzedake in town. And I commended her for her efforts in outreach although I know Chabad is #1!)

Back to cultural expectations. Getting married @ 20. Having a bazillion kids even though the mother is going to have a panic attack. That Kollel life is what we strive for. That getting donations from mommy and daddy to live is accepted. That working in a non Jewish workplace is to be avoided at all costs. That memorizing Chazals is the way to connect to Hashem (although I love the chazal "Pischu li pesach kipischo shel machat, vaani epsach lachem pischo shel oolam"). Wearing shiny shoes automatically makes you super frum.

I could go on forever. And I'm not trying to be negative but these are things that I really struggle with in my mind. I remember thinking that "Wow, Kollel life sounds like real bitulness". But now I realize, going out to get a job and not following what everyone else is doing is more commendable (unless you seriously have the means to live a kollel life). And being super mom because you work full time with 7 kids while your husband learns is not the ideal and you should not feel that the only way to be validated is by taking on a lifestyle like that.

Where I work, 3 of the girls who work there are all married to Kollel guys. After a long conversation where I was very against the Kollel life, they all admitted that their parents were supporting them. What kind of stress is this putting on families? I imagine a lot. I love misnagdim. It kinda scares me how I think like a chabad person now.

For all you people who like a good story about misnagdim, heres one. My cousin who became frum through Chabad and is now very yeshivish has a lot of objections and is downright anti chabad. He wrongly accused me of something (n/t major!!) so I told him he owes me a bracha. He said "My bracha for you is that you should marry a Ner Israel guy (big Misnagdish yeshiva in Baltimore), so you can stay in Baltimore and still work here". My reply was "Chas V'Shalom".

I know this is disorganized but hey..it's a blog. I love the yeshivish people in Baltimore. I;m trying to undo all the closemindedness that is ingrained in me. It's harder than you think.

My first post (and first time in Lakewood Ir Hakodesh)

2009-02-17T00:40:00.002-05:00

I have been pulled into the blogging fad. Who would have thought?

You'd think after taking English 101 I'd be sick of writing.

Although its 12:42 AM--and I should be sleeping because not only am I working but I have class until 10 PM tomorrow night and then a paper to write--I think I need to write about Sunday.

I went to a friend's wedding in Lakewood (surprisingly after 13 years in BY), it was my first time there. I thought it would be like Brooklyn, where people live on top of each other but it really wasn't like that. It looked kinda like Baltimore, except the farm land surrounding it and the hickness of it. Moving on, as I'm at the wedding, a random girl who went to BY came up to me and said "Where does everyone get all these pretty dresses?" Take note that I'm wearing a green, Maggy London, $100 dress. I said "Oh, you know, Nordstrom's, Macy's, you can even try H&M maybe...?" But then I realized she wasn't asking where we buy them, but more like she doesn't even know what its like to shop at these types of places. I felt really bad because when I'm at home I complain about sharing a room, not having my own car, my job pays too little...the list goes on. But right in front of our eyes there are people who honestly don't have things like a nice dress to wear to a wedding. I want to take her to buy a dress but I know I'm doing it out of pity rather than a friend and I'm not so sure if that's a good idea. Man, are we caught up in gashmius...

This is not a mussar blog but rather the rants of a redhead.